Lowly Rat
by DangoLovesYou
Summary: Nezumi's thoughts one night while he's off. Post-series. Drabble! "I am not meant to love."


A/N- I don't know what it is! What is any of the stuff I've been releasing lately? But I've been stuck sick for 6 days, I've listened to the same song 44 times today because I can't get the technology to stop, and I've given you two updates in a week and started on the third one. So I'm gonna choke out some first person drabble, and I'm going to stick in this awkward author's note, and… enjoy, I guess.

"Good morning, Nezumi." This is the first thing that got to me. Such a simple thing.

"What are you thinking about?" That one, too. Such a normal thing. Normal for you, anyway.

"Have a good day, okay?" That one you'd say with a smile as I walked out, desperately wanting to wonder what was wrong with you. How come I never wondered what was wrong with you?

"You're home!" I don't know why I let these little things pile up.

"Isn't that a good book? I really loved it!" I don't know why they didn't drive me away.

"Nezumi, why are you staring at me?" I guess, in a way, they did, but not in the right way.

"I'm glad to have met you." Why didn't I get upset with you? Why did these things become so important? Why did I let them become what got me through each day?

And what's my excuse for long night after long night? What justification do I have for thinking about your gentle words and gentle features and gentle soul for hours and hours and hours as we lay in the darkness, together, but all too far apart?

I couldn't stand that. I just couldn't live with feeling so distant, even though you were within arm's reach. I hated how much I loved listening to your breath. I hated how you radiated warmth and burned away all my barriers and my comfort, all without even trying. I hated how much I needed you.

I wonder what you would've been able to accomplish, the damage you could have done to me, had you put your mind to it.

"Good night, Nezumi."

It just wasn't right. There was no way you could be allowed to steal so much from me, my prince. My sweet, beloved prince. All of these things you did to keep me wide awake all through the night, they weren't fair. And all those moments you caught my eye in the light of day, don't think they were fair either. I don't know how you did it, how you got under my skin, _my _skin, but it couldn't be healthy.

_Run. _

It was all I could do. I had no other option. I don't know under what night's moon I decided, but I knew I had to run from you.

The scariest part was how much it hurt to think about. Because that was pain in your inexperienced hands, completely clueless, and I trusted you way too much. Some bit of common sense made its way through the clouds you whispered into my sanity, and that's why I ran.

I didn't want to, but I had too. I couldn't just settle down. It wouldn't be safe. It wouldn't be right. I'd hurt, you'll hurt me, it'd all come crashing down that that wall we destroyed together.

No good can come from all that trust. These are the facts that've been true to me my entire life, and no random genius is allowed to change them. Not even you.

I'm not meant to love. Why couldn't we both see that? Why couldn't we part ways sooner? Why, Shion? Why, genius, my prince? Why did we wait until we had so much to lose?

Losing that much hurts. It didn't keep me going like I thought it would. I told myself that the pain I felt was the reason I was leaving. It was better that I control it myself than to let you control it. It was punishment for letting myself get attached. This was all our own fault, yours and mine, and I was doing what I had to do to save myself.

I once, while trying to push myself to keep going, keep leaving you, called you poison. I'm sorry.

Shion, you shall never know how hard it was to walk away from you. You thought, you thought I was coming back. Why wouldn't you? I lied to you. I told you I'd come back. I knew if I didn't say that to you, you'd never let me go. And… I probably wouldn't have been able to leave, either.

But I have no intention of going back. I can't go back. Going back would be defeat. Maybe I'm still losing, because you're keeping me up another night, just from hundreds of miles away, but I can fake it this way. Maybe, someday, I'll forget. Then, I won't be losing at all anymore.

Part of me hopes that day never comes.

I miss you, my prince.

I want to turn around and come back right now.

…

Do you still think I'm coming back? Do I keep you up at night, too? Or do you dream that I'm back, and that you're in my arms, right where you belong?

Have you moved on? Have you given up on me? How could you? HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP ON ME? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! I THOUGHT WE HAD… So much trust… Too much trust.

I'm not meant to love. Write about me a thousand tragedies in which I cause a thousand you's despair, and feel nothing. It will be a fantasy, because my heart will break even to read it, more so to act it out upon a stage, but you will have created a thousand endings as inevitable as this one, because I am not meant to love. I'm but a lowly rat. Nezumi, at your service, your lonely beck and call.

Shion, you have me thinking in romance again.

How long has it been? How long since I could watch you sleep as long as I wanted? Must have been months…

It's cold without your human warmth. This motel room is small and drippy and useless. I can hear the storm outside. You would have liked this weather, huh? I'll say it's the reason I can't sleep. I get up, shake off some loose cream sheets, scramble to set down two feet without stepping on a robot or a book or both, and throw on my scarf. I don't remember the last time you haven't kept me up all night, so I'm used to it by now.

I go to a bar down the street, and hunker down in a stool alone.

Say no to the prostitute. Check. Order drink I can't afford. Check. Greet bartender. Check.

Get into a fight with another bar goer. That check's in blood.

You probably wouldn't approve of my new life, would you? The lonely life of a free man. Or maybe it's the free life of a lonely man? Doesn't matter. I can go where I want, do what I want, say what I want. As long as I can duck out of the way of this drunken thug and slip out of the place without getting stuck with my bill, I'll live to see another day. Everything is just how I would want it.

Well, what the lying part of my brain wants. There's that little part that's your fault in there, too, and it says that you're all I want. After most of a year, I'd think that someone would have punched that part out of me by now.

Maybe I'll leave. Set off in the night. I'll find a new motel, a new bar, a new place to cause trouble. I wonder if this is the place where I'll finally get you off my mind for a night.

I doubt it, though. All I can think, now that I've packed and I'm out in the rain, is how familiar this feels, and what I wouldn't give to have you throw open your window and shout like a mad man. To warm me up with your warm human self.

But who am I kidding.

All those simple things that you used to say to get my through the day, and thoughts you'd put in my mind to keep my up all night, they'll continue to haunt me as I remain alone.

I am not meant to love.


End file.
